Ten Christmas TV Specials We’d Love To See

It's Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch 'The Evil Dead.'

It’s Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch ‘The Evil Dead.’

Strictly Not Dancing – Ten couples who all have two left feet flatly refuse to dance and prop up the bar despite being cajoled by a panel of judges possibly including Jeremy Clarkson, Holly Willoughby, Donald Trump, Nicole Scherzinger and a meerkat out of the Compare The Market ads.

Gogglebox Watch – Drunk people eating massive takeaways are filmed watching and reacting to Gogglebox on the telly, saying how they either like or dislike the Gogglebox regulars and revealing which ones get right up their noses.

Paul Golding’s Christmas Behind Bars – Reality show featuring Britain First’s Paul Golding in his prison cell complaining that curry isn’t a proper Christmas dinner, failing to understand that breaching court orders is an offence and crying because Muslim inmates don’t like him before tearfully curling up under his prison blanket clutching a picture of Jayda in a bikini to his patriotic breast.

"So when I told him he didn't have a very impressive organ he said: 'Well it's never played in a fucking cathedral before!'"

“So when I told him he didn’t have a very impressive organ he said: ‘Well it’s never played in a fucking cathedral before!'”

Theresa May’s XXX Factor – Love Goddess Theresa May models fetish clothing and erotic lingerie at the European Parliament in Brussels and can’t understand for the life of her why she isn’t the centre of attention.

Film: I, David Cameron – Everybody’s favourite bacon bruiser, David Cameron finds himself unemployed through no fault of his own (really) and is forced by a heartless government department into finding a job or having his benefits sanctioned. All is not going well until David is reunited with his old friend Gideon, who provides helpful job-seeking tips about wearing a hard hat and a high vis vest whilst trying to look interested and appear like you have the vaguest idea what you’re doing with a spirit level, not forgetting how not to play Monopoly with other people’s money. All appears to be going well until David’s nemesis, Idiotic Dimwit Smith turns up and people start dying.

David Attenborough’s Planet Earth II Unleashed – Breaking away from his usual stance of presenting known facts and ignoring his critics, the BBC’s legendary natural history presenter replies to the right wing arseholes who slate him in arsewipe rags like the Mail and Express, using cutting edge technology to demonstrate that climate change is real by revealing that glaciers are shrinking at an alarming rate, polar bears are struggling as ice fields diminish and reindeer are losing weight for climactic reasons, preferably with copious amounts of swearing directed at the idiots who can’t accept the facts.

Who Do You Think You Are? – Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn discovers that he’s a direct descendant of Julius Caesar and twats on for an hour about how he can’t understand that people don’t see him as a leader. With a guest appearance by former Labour leader Ed Miliband who is sympathetic yet bemoans the fact that he was undone by a bacon sandwich.

Nigel’s Christmas Kitchen – Parasitic mutant, former UKIP leader and Trump butt-licker Nigel Farage invites us into his kitchen on Christmas morning, where he throws up in a nutri-bullet and shows us how to make beer batter, ale pie, vodka trifle and wife-beater on toast in a fog of cigarette smoke modelling his range of mustard coloured corduroy pants and crap velvet collared crombies before disappearing up his own arse in a David Blaine-esque puff of B&H smoke. Much to the relief of all concerned.

Film: Love Actually – Donald and Vladimir live on opposite sides of the world, and theirs is a forbidden love. But Donald and Vladimir share a passion for naked horse riding and bombing the shit out of people who can’t fight back. Neither of them really like the Arabs or the Chinese and would love to bomb them into oblivion but that’s not really an option, so they agree to join forces with the Saudis and obliterate Yemen and the Ukraine instead.

And people think The Simpsons are dysfunctional...

And people think The Simpsons are dysfunctional…

Jeremy Kyle At The Palace – Britain’s most self righteous man visits a London palace, sorting out a dispute between a warring mother and son, interviews an allegedly homicidal patriarch with mafia tendencies and tells the family in no uncertain terms that they need to start taking responsibility and getting themselves proper jobs. He also explains to two princesses that no matter how much they dress up they’ll never be the belle of the ball so they need to get used to being wallflowers, or at best pantomime villains. DNA testing will not be featured in this show due to an industrial dispute, which lets the ones who resemble horses conveniently off the hook.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Cafe Spike

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