Welborne – Affordable homes from £55k – but there’s a catch

Welborne - behind the kite flying and the manicured lawns.

Welborne – behind the kite flying and the manicured lawns.

Fareham Borough Councils’ Camorra representative, Sean Woodchuckio – currently marketing Welborne Garden Village with kites and manicured lawns – today vowed that the controversial development would be all inclusive, with 2,000 new dwellings to be made immediately available at affordable levels.

“Of course we can’t do something entirely for nothing,” said Councillor Woodchuckio, clutching a Haynes Spitfire manual and adjusting his remote control to ‘waffle’ mode. “So in keeping with current demand and the bastard green lobby, the roads won’t be paved and buyers will have to share toilet facilities and have water supplied by standpipe, so all in all it’s not such a bad deal for first time buyers.

“I think the icing on the cake is that we’ll add winter flooding facilities at no extra charge, complimentary rising damp and proper simulated Funtley brick, which we outsourced on a fact finding trip to Bangkok. Of course parking will be metered and access to the M27 will be via a council operated toll road charging a minimum fee of £7 a throw which we’ll use to subsidise more coffee shops in the town centre.”

Local MP Floella Benjamin who used to present Play School on the BBC told us: “Frankly I’m not all that bothered either way. I don’t even live there and have no plans to.”

Local dimwit, aspiring politician and Facebook stalwart Tom Slavish added: “To be honest I’ll see how the wind blows on this one before I commit myself. If it looks remotely like going tits up I’ll probably reinvent myself as a rabid socialist. I haven’t tried that one yet.”

More as we get it.

Cafe Spike

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